In a pair we receive support and understanding, we learn to resolve conflicts and find compromises, grow and grow. Communicating with a partner, we learn ourselves better, heal our children's wounds and feel safe. But what holds us back if there is no more dialogue and joy in the pair together
Some of us cherish the family that they managed to create. Most modern men and women perceive parting as a collapse of their life ideal, because we want to believe that marriage is "once and for all life." According to a survey conducted by Tiburon Research in 2011, 79% of those who are married and 57% of those who are divorced agree.
"When I had to tell my parents that my wife and I are getting divorced, I could not bring myself to look into my father's eyes," confesses Sergei, 29. "I knew he would blame me." From his point of view, a man is not worthy to be called a man, if he could not keep his family. "
If we live with the idea of вЂ‹вЂ‹ourselves as a victim, we will most likely remain in a pair where we play this particular role
"The longer the pair remains a single unit, the more difficult it is to break the family wrap," said family psychotherapist Inna Hamitova.- It keeps the common memory and the feeling that part of life will be crossed off, devalued during parting. Often this is added to the fear of the future. But sometimes it is the painful experiences of partners that turn out to be cement, cementing relations. "
"Life is suffering," "A woman should tolerate everything, if only the children had a father", "Better a bad family than no" - leads the family therapist examples of beliefs that do not allow breaking the connection, even when it became painful. "Partners remain in the union, if this union supports their understanding of themselves and of the world," Inna Khamitova summarizes. "For example, if we live with the idea of вЂ‹вЂ‹ourselves as a victim, we will most likely remain in a pair where we play this particular role."Fear of emptiness
45-year-old Tatiana remembers how almost 8 years did not dare to part with her husband. "He all sarcastically: look at yourself, who needs you so much? And I believed that ... "- Tatiana recalls. Some of us hardly endure not only loneliness, but even the thought of it. They are afraid to face a deep, disturbing emptiness.
"The hardest way to deal with it is for those who did not get enough love as a child or were abandoned by one of their parents," says psychologist Mariz Vayan."Left alone, they feel unloved, which means they are bad and relive their past suffering. They are ready to endure much - boredom, aggression, contempt - just to avoid it. "
The inevitable result is a decrease in self-esteem. There is a vicious circle: the lower the self-esteem, the less faith in oneself and the harder it is to part. If such a dysfunctional partnership lasts a long time, self-esteem falls. All this is reflected in sexual relations: they either do not bring pleasure, or none at all.
Partners develop a habit of not allowing themselves to reflect on what is happening to them in reality
"Such couples often consist of a woman who is afraid of her own will, and a man who is afraid of a woman's desire," continues Mariz Vayan. - After all, to agree to do without sex, you need two. Two - to agree to be unhappy together ... "
Partners develop a habit of suppressing their feelings and not allowing themselves to reflect on what is happening to them in reality. So it was with the 54-year-old Ivan, who left home after 20 years of marriage.
"For the past ten years, I've been busy all the time, I tried not to think about it," Ivan says. - We met with friends, helped children, worked like crazy - and all these ten years were unhappy, I do not know why. I did not even want to ask myself this question, because he would have dragged along a whole chain of others. But my friends were worried, seeing that I was depressed, that I was melancholy and irritated. I did not listen to them until one of them asked me directly what was stopping me from leaving. I could not find an answer. And left"."I was released by the care of my mother-in-law"
Inna, 44, anesthesiologist
"I grew up without a father and married fairly early in life a good, worthy person in every respect. For fifteen years I did everything right: I raised two sons, led the house, I had a favorite job, an attentive husband, good friends. And we got along very well with my mother-in-law, she helped me a lot: she advised, supported, and sat with her grandchildren.
And at the same time, deep down in my heart, I knew that I had married more by calculation than by love: I just wanted that there was always a protection, a reliable family. I did not have an attraction for my husband. Sensuality is completely gone from our lives, but I always had explanations: children, worries, fatigue.And yet, sometimes, such a longing rolled, that I wanted to quit everything and leave. I immersed myself in my work and it became easier. I thought: I'm not going to ruin my house with my own hands, so cozy, so dear!
And then my mother-in-law died. A balance broke, and it pushed me to the door. Once I met a childhood friend, we talked, started to remember ... Remembered a classmate - my first love. I asked cautiously if she knew where he was now. "Do you want his coordinates?" - she immediately responded.
More than a month passed before I decided to call. But when we met, we could not tear ourselves apart ... As a result, I divorced. But until now, I ask myself: would it suffice me then to call and then to divorce my husband if my mother-in-law were this vigorous woman who "kept" our family? I am not sure about that".Gap as a charge
Many couples, in which one blames the other, not realizing that the reason for the confusion of feelings in him. The partner becomes a scapegoat, the object of aggression. Love is intertwined with hatred, and the pair closes in its microcosm, without even trying to find a way out.
"The two fight for family happiness, but do not realize that each of them has their own idea of вЂ‹вЂ‹how this happiness should be," Inna Khamitova describes the typical situation. "It seems that the other intentionally interferes and spoils everything." Mutual accusations begin, and in this struggle, what else could have happened is being destroyed. The gap becomes another way to shout to another: "It's you that's to blame!" In this case, divorce does not solve the problems, but generates new ones.
"Parting always hurts," stresses Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. "We know this and therefore we sometimes use it as the last argument in the dispute - in a fit of feelings or out of a desire to punish another for the suffering that we believe he did us. But no matter how we wound another, our own wounds will not heal it. "
Maybe it would be more useful for us to pause and ask ourselves: "What if something is wrong with me?" Some couples experience a whole series of breaks, which are always accompanied by violent emotions. "Each of these partners has such a high threshold of sensitivity that they are simply unable to perceive sadness or joy - only suffering or ecstasy," Inna Khamitova remarks. - To feel alive, they need not just events, but blows of fate.They need strong emotions, otherwise life seems to be not real. "Open eyes
The 37-year-old Natalya was convinced that she had no right to leave an unemployed friend with whom they had lived for five years, because without her, he would be lost. "When the attacks of his bad mood became unbearable, I ran," Natalia recalls. - And then came back again to help him gain recognition, which he deserved, but still could not get.
"You live as if closing your eyes," my very closest friend once told me sadly. And at that moment everything turned upside down: I suddenly saw that my feelings, thoughts, plans, desires had no meaning even for myself - only what was happening to him was important. It really scared me! Only then did I go seriously. "
Often the gap is gradually prepared for months, sometimes even years, until some event, meeting, phrase or view of an outsider, like a flash, will make us see the situation in a new way. And what seemed impossible, it becomes clear: it's time to leave.
"Why am I staying, if I have not been happy for a long time?" - this is the question that should first of all be asked to oneself, - Inna Khamitova is sure. - To ask for it means to pass a part of the way.And the next step can be done with the help of a psychotherapist: it is very difficult to recognize the unconscious arguments alone that made us forget about ourselves for many years. "Start over
"Staying in a pair is no longer a matter of life and death," Daniil Khlomov emphasizes. - For centuries, leaving the family, the woman was doomed to dishonor, and the man left his wife and children without a breadwinner. In our time, the choice between saving and divorce is not so dramatic.
Women, like men, are now economically independent. And the types of unions have become much more diverse. Some practice open marriage or something resembling business cooperation or friendship. Partnership alliances can include more than two participants: if it suits everyone, then why not? The task is to find the type of relationship that is right for us. "
Nobody is obliged to remain in a relationship that does not bring satisfaction. But we must be able to choose the exact moment of parting so that we do not hate each other.
"One who does not dare to break off relations, although he realizes that they have not satisfied him for a long time, I advise you not to delay too much, so as not to poison yourself with venom of malice," says Mariz Vayan."Some are devaluating everything they have experienced together, hoping thus to rid themselves of suffering and regret." But such a strategy prevents objectively analyzing the causes of the gap and drawing lessons. "
Each family is a project, the union of two to achieve certain goals. And when they are achieved, the project ends
If someone thinks that with the help of parting he can "cleanse himself" of the past, cease to be who he was and start everything from a new sheet, then this is a very romantic view, and he is far from reality. "Parting does not mean that all of our common past will disappear," Daniil Khlomov continues. "I know the habits of this man, I know how to talk to him, and this knowledge will not go anywhere, it will always be with me."
Ideally, parting means increasing the distance between partners, rather than a painful break. Even if love and desire to stay together pass, one can preserve respect for oneself and a former partner. After all, something united us once, for some reason we needed each other and lived together a part of life.
Sometimes a couple can present surprises."Anton and I got married right after the graduation from the institute and divorced when the children grew up," recalls Marina, 58. - We were engaged in each of their lives, they worked, they made novels. And then they met to talk ... and suddenly they found out that we wanted to be together again. Our grandchildren were also at our second wedding! "
"Each family is a project, the union of two to achieve certain goals," concludes Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. "And when those are achieved, the project ends." Life in the pair comes to an end, when the unspoken agreement that lay at its base loses its force. But nothing prevents us from agreeing on the terms of the new union.Divorce ... for trial
Before parting completely, some couples try to make a preliminary separation. What is it - the opportunity to see the situation more clearly or a peculiar run-up in order to better jump?
"If you always leave painfully, it is important to weigh what kind of pain is stronger: from the presence of a person or from his absence," says Gestalt therapist Daniil Khlomov. - But while we are together, it is difficult for us to imagine clearly what the feelings will be when we are pogrozzy.The trial parting allows you to find out. And then the divorce, if it does take place, will be a well-considered decision. "
The family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova agrees that the pause will allow us to step back from the conflict, it's more safe to weigh everything, to think to what extent the partners are tied to each other.
"If we leave, slamming the door and accusing the other of all our sins, we carry with us a huge baggage of negative emotions. And we will not be able to start a new life: the load of unextended feelings will be pulled back, - Inna Khamitova warns. "It's useful to just break up in different directions, move away from each other literally, in the sense of physical distance, in order to understand yourself, to think about a partner without too much feeling and with a cold head to decide whether the couple have prospects."Read also A letter I would write to myself before divorce
Divorce is always a tragedy, because what has long been very important and valuable is falling apart. Martha Bodifelt's coach admits: she also thought that a catastrophe had happened that broke the usual stability. But it turned out that this is an invaluable chance to re-love life and enjoy it."Look: I live well!" Should I brag about social networks?
How and how did humanity boast before the emergence of social networks? Why are people divided into those who like to complain publicly, tell about problems or ask for help, and those who hide "bad" and show only an embellished version of their life? The therapist Irina Mladik is meditating.Text: Valentina Development