Alas, no one can guarantee eternal love. Feeling that you have met an infinitely valuable person for you, next to whom the present has found itself, comes from the very depth of our personality. This feeling can not be "constructed", it is not subject to the will. But our greatest misconception is to think that partnership relations are interrupted when love goes away. In fact, men and women part because they lose another - a sense of respect for each other.
The transition from overwhelming proximity to mutual respect is a difficult period in the couple's life. A sense of respect implies distance and is perceived as the opposite of love. Hence disappointments and doubts: is it worth while to continue to be together?
There are several ways that will help overcome them and start a new life - with the same person.
1. Tell each other what you like about your relationship
The best time for Olga is those moments when he and Andrei are at home, alone, and he tells how his day went. And she hates when her husband "gets stuck" in the computer, does not hear her invitations to the table and comes to supper, when everything has already cooled.
Andrew also loves to travel with his wife, visit guests and exhibitions - he likes to be with her. But the question "And where were you today?" It is incredibly annoying - he prefers to start the story about his affairs himself.
For six years of living together, Olga and Andrei have never talked about what they like or what annoys their relationship. However, many couples do not discuss such subjects: each assures himself that the partner himself will guess everything. But this, of course, does not happen. As a result, one person silently suffers, and the second, thinking that everything is in order, continues to behave as usual.
Men refer to conversation about attitudes wary, and women attach too much importance to them
Start talking about the best and worst in your relationship, while "I do not like" did not turn into "I hate."
In "not like" less anger and pain - just a little annoyance and bewilderment, and they are easier to control. In this case, the conversation will be calm and your words will be heard. You leave space for answers to questions, save space for another.
Men refer to conversation about attitudes wary, and women attach too much importance to them.
About what excites, it is sometimes easier to write: take a piece of paper and list the best and worst in your relationship, exchange with the partner leaflets and discuss what was written.
Such a simple reception will allow you to better know each other, establish your share of responsibility for the "worst" and understand what to do to make the "best" become more.
It is worth checking out and the lexicon of spouses: it happens that the same seemingly obvious words for partners mean different.
He, for example, understands the word "believe": a friend believes him, and therefore will forgive him if he does something wrong. And she is convinced: since she believes him, he will not under any circumstances do such an act.
Talking to each other, partners can learn a lot of unexpected things. For example, what seemed so wonderful to both at the beginning of the relationship, now one of the two does not inspire at all.
"Previously, we spent all weekend at a big company, and it was fun! - recalls Elena. - But I have long wanted to be alone with Oleg, and he still invites friends for every holiday. And on the weekends we always have guests. "
"Rita constantly wants to be with me, does not leave me for a minute," complains Peter."Before, I even liked it, and now I feel that I do not have enough free space, and almost hiding from it, I sit at the computer."
2. Define the rules, find common goals
Many couples live as if by inertia, without hesitation, why they do it and what they expect from life together. But the absence of common goals can destroy relations more quickly than permanent conflicts.
Vera began to live with Oleg, dreaming of a big friendly family, a cozy home, and was amazed when he confessed to her that his life in common was most attracted to regular sex.
However, if the feelings are really strong, you can agree and find a middle ground. This will be your joint strategic planning, the basis of which is respect for each other. The distance helps to treat relationships more carefully, without subjecting them to strength checks. For example, for the sake of her husband's career, the wife agrees to wait with the first child, and he, respecting her dream, will think about how to provide the family with more spacious housing - from the nursery.
An important role in the life of the couple is played by rules and rituals.
They do not need to be specially invented.They already exist in your life: someone first takes a bathroom, someone always buys bread or pays for a parking lot. But often it turns out that one of the partners the distribution of roles is convenient, while the other causes irritation and discomfort. Conclusion: rules and rituals also need to be negotiated.
In order not to accidentally hurt the feelings of another, partners need to answer several important questions. Will we always be true to each other or are there options? What happens if some of us break the established rules? The answers must be clear, otherwise the emotional deposit will accumulate in silence.
Alexander and Anna quarrel: on a visit the husband all evening communicated with the pleasant girl whom owners have planted near to it.
"I saw you smiling at her, and angry!" She says.
- So what am I now, no one to smile at? - He is irritated.
"If from time to time you took my hand, making it clear that you were here with me, it would be easier for me," Anna explains.
As a result, the couple agrees that the husband can freely communicate with anyone he wants, but at the same time make it clear that he is not alone in life.Alexander agrees, and his wife calms down, feeling that she is respected.
Metamorphoses of love
According to American psychologists Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson, relations in any pair pass six consecutive stages.
1. The merger. The two feel that they are one, ignoring differences. If they go to a restaurant, someone will certainly say: "I'll take what you want."
2. Differentiation. Partners emphasize their interests, as if checking relations for strength. It is at this moment that a difference of beliefs and interests is revealed: "How can you like this kind of muck?"
3. Research. Partners explore their ability to "not be together": they separately spend their holidays, meet their friends more often ... and (sometimes) change each other.
4. Convergence. Two already know why they work together, develop a common way of life, set themselves certain goals.
5. Cooperation. Partners are completely absorbed in the organization of family life, they are attentive to the interests and career of each other.
6. Synergy. This turns out to be a real team. A joint cause, children, friends ... It's good for two - it's good for those who are with them!
3.Keep your personality
Let's do a small test. How do you see your relationship today? Try to depict yourself and your partner in the form of two intersecting circles. Is the crossing area large? Another illustration illustrates the answer to the question "What kind of relationship would you like?".
In the second case, most women draw circles, almost (and sometimes completely) overlapping each other: many lack care and attention. Partners are always surprised to see the "reference" drawing of the psychologist - two circles that intersect only by a quarter: the scheme of long relations looks exactly like this.
There is no need to lose yourself in order to maintain a relationship
After living together for some time, lovers can find out that they are so "adjusted" to each other, that their personalities have changed a lot. The desire to adapt to a loved one, to make him pleasant, to please often leads a man or woman to lose their own individuality. Often the so-called "crisis of the third year of relations" is an attempt to return to oneself, one's habits and values. Many people have a desire to change jobs or start learning.
Sometimes the partner does not understand the reasons for what is happening, and the feelings cool down. This is another reason for a calm, thorough conversation: after all, it was your personality that you once attracted each other. There is no need to lose yourself in order to maintain a relationship.
4. Do not save anger
We often restrain anger, irritation, fury, fearing that they will destroy the relationship. But it is better to arrange a good quarrel than to grow in oneself rancor and guilt. Strong emotions do not mean that the two no longer love each other - they only report the problem.
Anger is good because it helps us to call things by their proper names. This is similar to a thunderstorm after which the air becomes purer. Letting go of your anger, figure out what exactly caused it. And try to say this without going over to the partner's personality.
If you yourself become the cause of anger, be patient and listen to the accusations as you listen to constructive criticism: you will agree with something, but with something - no. An angry, reproachful person is well served by the manifestation of attention to the topic of the conversation: "I take seriously your feelings and want to listen to you. Let's try to talk calmly. "
But if the reproaches are just, you are compensated for the spoiled mood. Igor was going to spend a quiet weekend with his wife, but suddenly it turned out that she invited friends and children to visit. When everyone dispersed, he irritated and loudly expressed his claims.
My wife was surprised, but she promised not to invite guests in the future without consulting him, and "cuddled" Igor's favorite cake. When the dish with the pie was on the table, her husband had already forgotten that he could not rest on Sunday.
5. Learn to thank each other
Many couples live in anticipation of something bigger and do not appreciate what happens every day. It would seem that it's easier - to thank in response to the participation shown, help or a received gift. However, this unpretentious skill, and the very willingness to thank somewhere, disappear when a couple lives together for a long time.
Either it's just not possible to open your mouth and say: "Thank you!" Or the words turn into a kind of formal muttering or verbose texts in which the more words, the less ourselves.
The non-bullet etymology of the word "thank you" (from the original "save God!") Seems to hint that it is not a simple rule of politeness, but something much more important, fundamental. This feeling is called a feeling of gratitude towards life.Without him, the warmest words sound insincere and formal.
Thank each other for specific things - a gift, a walk, a caring gesture. If the partner guessed our inner desire, did something nice, you just need to say: "It's so good!" - and the relationship will be stronger.
A truly deep relationship arises between people who do not depend on each other financially or emotionally
Be wary of the typical mistakes that negate the most sincere gratitude. It happens when simple phrases such as "I hope you will always do this now" are added to the simple "Thank you for the flowers" or "What did not you think of earlier!"
Really mature and deep relationships arise between people who do not depend on each other financially or emotionally.
They could live happily separately, but these two are so interesting to each other! Life gave them a chance - a meeting with a man from whom nothing is needed, but with which life becomes fuller.
Let him just live side by side, he remains as he is ... and let him be as good as me.
Dmitry Leontiev, psychologist
In love I'm Michelangelo
In close relationships, we involuntarily "sculpt" each other, like the great Michelangelo, who cut off all the excess from the piece of marble in order to find the ideal shape. This was confirmed by the study of Stefan Drigotas, a scientist at the Southern Methodist University in Dallas, USA.
His conclusions can be formulated as follows: if a partner sees me as the ideal person that I myself want to be (and in this many thinkers saw the main essence of love), and by my behavior supports my aspirations, then I really begin to approach my ideal. Naturally, my satisfaction with life and relationships with a partner is increasing. And vice versa: if the partner's views on what I should be do not coincide with mine and his actions do not contribute to my movement to the desired, then satisfaction with life and relationships falls.
How to create an atmosphere of emotional closeness
What comes to mind when you hear the word "intimacy"? Often the first association is sex. However, this is not the main thing in the relationship, says psychotherapists Linda and Charlie Bloom, who have been happily married since 1972, and tell how to create emotional intimacy in a couple.
The four mistakes we make when we are troubled
Most of the usual ways of responding to anxiety only aggravate the situation, the psychotherapist Melanie Greenberg is sure. Instead of the usual automatic reaction, she offers a conscious approach to solving the problem.
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